Help the bartender help you

This article says, “First lesson: There isn’t one.” I disagree. Admittedly I’m bandying words, but I mean it; the article is saying “there are lots of Martini recipes, and none are wrong.” I’m saying that you, as a consumer, need to hold up your end of the conversation when you order a Martini in a bar.

The article’s correct that, despite its simplicity, the Martini is pretty infinitely customizable, including in ways a bartender may personally dislike, so there IS a right way to order one if you want one you’ll actually enjoy:  Know exactly how you like yours and convey that to the bartender either directly or through your table server. 

I’ve suffered more than a few slings and arrows from family and friends for how I order mine, but if you order a Martini by simply tossing out “dry” or “dirty” and end up unhappy with what you get … I told you so.

I’ve learned not to trust most servers to relay a cocktail order in its entirety, so even in a restaurant I prefer to step over to the bar, look the bartender in the eye and (once I have his or her attention) tell them exactly how I want it. Good bartenders will listen and deliver as ordered. 

The ones who don’t … well, first, don’t be shy about asking for a do-over, as long as you were crystal clear about your preferences. If the do-over is still off, then don’t be a diva and pitch a fit; just suffer through it (or order some other drink) and then reflect your dissatisfaction with your tip (or lack thereof). And if they have comment cards or a host who’ll listen, sound off politely. 

So, here are the bases to cover when you place your order, in roughly this order:

• Dirty, if that’s your preference (I will never understand that, but whatever … )
• Gin or vodka or some combination of them (which makes it a Vesper) There’s enough confusion on the definition of a Martini that bartenders will—or should—ask “gin or vodka?” if you don’t specify. That doesn’t always happen, though. 
• Your preferred brand of gin and/or vodka (it’s always worth asking if they have it)
• Vermouth preference if you have one (again, always ask—good bars have more than one)
• Your preferred ratio of gin and/or vodka to vermouth
• Choice of bitters, if you like them (I like a dash of orange bitters in mine)
• Stirred or shaken; stirred should be the default, but too many bartenders shake
• Choice of garnish (usually between olive, twist of lemon, or cocktail onion—or none)

It boils down to this: Help the bartender help you—something like this. Even the best ones aren’t mind readers.